Coulter Hospitalized
Right wing pundit and author Ann Coulter was hospitalized last night at Union Memorial Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland for what her publicist has described “a digestive ailment” while she was on tour promoting her new book, “Godless: The Church of Liberalism.”
Coulter has been in the news lately due to the controversy over remarks made in her new book about the 9/11 widows that have spoken out against President Bush, deriding the fact that they made money in damages on their husbands’ deaths and included the statement, “I’ve never seen anyone enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much.”
(It must be noted that it completely escaped Coulter that by using their husbands’ deaths to help sell her book, she was profiting off of them as well. Only difference is she wasn’t married to them and lost nothing.)
When pressed about her condition, Coulter’s doctor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, admitted, “She is experiencing food toxicity due to a massive consumption of human feces.”
It turns out that Coulter, long known as a sycophant for the Republican party and especially President Bush, was so discouraged over their lack of support for her controversial comments, that she has spiraled into an obsessive binge of eating human shit. Though known as a “shit-slinger” for quite some time, the revelation of her consumption of shit has only recently been acknowledged.
Ava Goddard, a friend of Coulter’s since high school, said, “She’s actually done this for a long time. She was slightly overweight in high school and came upon the idea of eating shit as a way of losing weight since shit is basically food with all the fat, carbs, and sugar already taken out of it. She’s been skinny ever since.”
“For a long time, people thought she was bulimic because she was always going to the bathroom at restaurants. Turns out she was just getting dessert.”
A step too far
Coulter has made a career out of taking other people’s thoughts and opinions and publishing them as if they were her own, adding controversial, over-the-top statements designed to generate negative publicity, which boosts book sales. Usually, the Republicans in Congress and the Administration back her up. But this time, the comments about the 9/11 Widows was a bit too hot to handle, and with their approval ratings already in the toilet, the Republican higher-ups distanced themselves from her.
Thus began her downward slide.
Coulter allegedly became very worried that they had abandoned her or, even worse, caught on to her scheme of using shamelessly scandalous phrases to push book sales, and determined to prove her loyalty to them by eating the shit of every Republican in America until President Bush gave her the honor of letting her eat his shit.
She reportedly believed that his shit was the key to everlasting life.
So began a 10-day orgy of shit-eating that would have made Caligula blush. According to her publicist Jack Baker, speaking on the condition of anonymity, Ann had people rig the toilets at her speaking engagements to collect the feces and then had them taken to her hotel room, where she would then bathe in the piss and shit, covering herself from the bottoms of her feet to her prominent Adam’s apple. Often, she would masturbate with the feces before gorging on it, eventually licking the tub dry.
The rest of the shit she would make into a variety of foods, including shakes, link dogs, shit cake, even frying up shitburgers on her George Foreman grill.
“It’s really impressive how much she can take in,” said Baker. “She’s kinda like those skinny Asian people at the eating contests, you just don’t know where it all goes.”
Also according to Baker, she is allergic to Democrat feces, so she would have her assistants go through the bags beforehand, and if any Democrat feces came through she would force her assistants to eat it.
One of her assistants who asked us to call her “Jane”, even though her name was Susan, said, “I’m sure you can imagine how hard it is to tell the difference between Democrat and Republican poop. But she can tell right away. She said that the Dem poop made her hair hurt, whatever that means. I’ve gotta call my headhunter.”
When simply eating the shit of the people at her speaking engagements was not enough, Ms. Coulter began requesting the address lists of local Republican political groups and went door to door. One such person whom she visited first-hand, Roy Sumner, said over the phone, “She just showed up at my door one day to my total surprise. I knew who she was because I have a copy of Slander. She was really nice and got right to the point. She asked me if I could take a dump for her because she wanted to eat it.
“I thought it was a strange request, but I’ve been taught not to question, so I let her and she was on her way.” When asked if he was going to buy a copy of her new book, Sumner said that he can’t afford it right now because he’d recently lost his job and his investments weren’t doing very well. “I’m really starting to wonder about these guys, actually,” he said just before the sound of several shouting men burst through his door and the phone hung up.
On to Congress
Still determined to eat the shit of President Bush, Coulter moved into the halls of Congress, where she visited with several Republican House and Senate leaders who willingly obliged her. One such senator was quotable maverick John McCain. A spokesman for McCain said, “The Senator had heard that she needed to eat shit to survive, and he didn’t want to deny her of something that gives her life,” adding, “But if he’d known about her binge, he would have insisted she eat some vegetables as well.”
Unfortunately for Coulter, her quest for the Presidential shit has been sidelined for now. The doctors expect her to make a full recovery.
In more bad news for Coulter, her book, “Godless”, which debuted at the top spot on the Amazon.com best seller list, has fallen a point this weekend, putting Coulter at number two.
An appropriate number, indeed.
Monday, June 12, 2006
